Saturday, November 21, 2009

What the He** is Wrong With Me?

I just had this thought...remembering, for some reason, every idiotic mistake I've made in my life. Not very productive, but thought-provoking all the same. I've tried to make square pegs fit in round holes so many times....and then I am surprised when things don't work out the way I'd envisioned. What's wrong with this picture?

The last few weeks have been filled with sadness. Two friends, each at only age 48, have passed away in the past 3 weeks. A young man - only in his early 30's - who was a resident at Citizens was taken off of tube feedings, taken home, and passed away on Wednesday. It's been rainy and a bit gloomy, and I am facing my first Thanksgiving in 18 years without Tori by my side. And I'm still fairly-newly separated. Ugh.

I know there are thousands of things to be thankful for, and I am taking a few moments every morning to remember those. But today, for some reason, the "what-if's" are taking over my thought patterns. If only I had realized when I was younger what I really wanted in a relationship, if only I had communicated that more effectively for 22+ years, if only I did what I knew was best for me instead of what feels good at the time....the list goes on and on.

I have cried more in the past 3 weeks than I have laughed. I have worked long hours in a job which, thankfully, I love, but I am exhausted. I am having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We're heading into Holiday Season, and I want to be joyful, be grateful, be hoping that things turn around soon.

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